


5 times Curtis tries to murder Keith and 1 time he gives up

by BeatrizCaelum



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: IT'S A CRACK FIC. NO NEED TO CURSE MY EXISTENCE., M/M, NOT FOR CURTIS FANS, in which I get further and further away from being considered a serious writer, includes sheith ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 20:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17087411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeatrizCaelum/pseuds/BeatrizCaelum
Summary: In which no one remembers Curtis' name, but this isn't enough to stop him from trying to get rid of Keith in the epic space battle to win Captain Shirogane's hand, heart and something else.





	5 times Curtis tries to murder Keith and 1 time he gives up

**Author's Note:**

> Don't look at me. You know you, too, would kill for Shiro.
> 
> It's a crack fic and... it's not exactly for fans of our man Curtis. Sheith endgame. Proceed with caution.

 

It’s a long, insufferable plan to hold Captain Shirogane’s hand and hopefully _something else_ of his as well.  (His other hand.)

You see, he hasn’t always been _Captain Shirogane._ Once, when Curtis Generic Last Name was just starting however was the path the Garrison had for him - then, it involved more flying and less alien dictatorships -, he was simply Shiro, the handsome, distant classmate, always stoic but with a mischievous glint to his eyes. A closeted troublemaker, for sure.

But the closet analogy stopped there. Shiro never pretended to be anything more or anything less than a walking disaster shaped like a gay man. And Curtis loved him for it. Even if homophobia was more of an ugly stain in society’s past than anything else, long lost, it still made him _proud_ to live in a time in which he could openly ask for Shiro’s number, Shiro’s heart, Shiro’s lifelong companionship, Shiro’s di - distinct way of flying like the sky was a part of him. The massive tities were a bonus.

Of course, such a dreamboat - dream _ship_ \- of a man would have all eyes on him. Adam was a lucky bastard, then a crazy bastard for breaking up what was the Garrison’s most shipped pairing _and_ most hated pairing as well (the discourse was _insane_ , people said that Adam was all sorts of problematic and terribly, terribly boring in bed, Curtis remembers this all too well, and that’s not because he might have started some of the rumors himself), and then Adam was just a dead bastard. _Whooops._

Poor man. It was _kind of_ Curtis’ fault that he kicked the bucket, but, then again, it was war, and people died for nothing all the time, alien invasion or not.

But we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves. Before Adam blew up, _Shiro_ blew up. In space. Or crashed into a moon. Also in space. It’s unclear to this day what really, really happened to Shiro when he went to Kerberos with the Holts, just as unclear as if the man has a family or not, I mean, we should know by now - I mean, Curtis should know who is going to be his family, because they’re totally marrying when the Captain finally learns his name and stops calling him “man”.

Point is: Shiro died. And Curtis’ world came crashing down. He wasn’t able to confess his feelings in time and his fate was to be forgotten forever, a lonely soul, a man in despair, a lover who was wronged, broken into pieces, a useless background character in the scheme of life.

But then Shiro came back - buffer, taller, hotter and with _him._

That cadet - that _puppy_ who followed him around all the time before the Kerberos fiasco, that kid with alien-ish eyes and bad hair that punched Iverson’s eye when he blamed the mission on Shiro and then got expelled. The legend says he wandered off into the desert and became one with the coyotes, or was eaten by them, also unclear.

There he was, Keith Kogane, in all his glory, not eaten by a coyote, with a giant space dog as a companion, with a purple mom, with a purple uncle, also buffer, taller and hotter (the uncle wasn’t dispensable, either.)

And with _Curtis’_ future husband.

 

* * *

 

The first time looks like an accident.

You must not be mistaken. Curtis may look like a sweet man with a void where his developed personality should be, but he is a skilled assassin. Or simply an assassin. He is working on his skills and Kogane is the best target he could ask for.

They’re stocking their weapons to leave Earth, making sure they have enough ammo and that nothing is malfunctioning in any way, polishing guns or whatever you do with them, when Kogane walks into the room with Captain Shirogane glued to his side. They’re talking about work, sure, about that alien - Altean -  girl who crashed into their fight last week, who still is sound asleep somewhere Curtis’ rank can’t get him to, but there’s a lingering familiarity to their words. Love, even.

“You’re working too hard,” Kogane is saying, then biting his lower lip. “You deserve to rest, Shiro.”

“I have a responsibility to Atlas, now, to anything that happens here.” Captain Shirogane runs his human hand through the perfect silver hair. “I - I agree it seems too much to handle on my own, but, thing is, I’m not alone.”

“Oh?” He has the audacity to smile, all secretive and hopeful.

“You’re always helping me, Keith. Even if just by staying safe. Knowing you and the rest of the Paladins are okay…It gives me the strength to commit to my duty as a Captain.”

“You didn’t come to see me earlier,” Kogane drops his tone and Curtis get as close as he can possibly get without making his eavesdropping noticeable, “when we were supposed to be with people we lo - care about. Last night on Earth and everything. I was watching the sunset with Wolf. ”

 "Yeah,” he gulps. “Sorry about that. I should have…”

Captain Shirogane trails off and his beautiful eyes dart to where Curtis is standing, holding his clipboard and pretending to write something down, and he thinks he’s done for, that he has been found out, that the Captain will have to fire him, or punish him, and just as he’s about to suggest some good old spanking (after dinner), he sees what has caught his attention.

Near them, a cadet is struggling with one of the new weapons, Garrison technology mixed with the Altean one, fumbling over it with heavy panting.

“Are you okay, cadet?”

The girl spins around, wide-eyed.

“Captain, sir,” she coughs. “It’s, uh, this… gun. I guess. It keeps firing when it’s not mean to. I managed to turn it off, but I’m not sure if it will _stay_ turned off. I’m sorry.”

“You’re in no trouble,” Captain Shirogane blesses the room with one of his warm smiles and Curtis might as well melt.

“We need to put this thing down,” Kogane frowns. “Before it hurts someone.”

“Agreed.”

Then, Captain Shirogane’s eyes are definitely, unmistakably on him, and Curtis holds his breath, that’s it, the moment he has been waiting for all this time, to prove himself useful to his beloved future husband, to charm him with his looks and whatever his personality might be, it’s now.

“Hey. You’re in the Atla’s crew, right? Working on the bridge.  I’m sorry - I know we studied together, but I can’t recall your name.” Captain Shirogane starts, unfortunately without stepping away from Kogane, with no intent to give Curtis a mere handshake. “What’s your last name?”

Curtis smiles.

“They never gave me one, sir.”

“What, that’s - that’s” he stumbles, “terrible. Just terrible. Almost like never knowing who your family is.”

“It’s okay. I’ll make them pay someday.”

“Of course,” Captain Shirogane nods with far too much grace. “How should I call you, then?”

_Honey. Daddy. Sugarplum. Yours. Baby. Pumpkin. Love. Starlight. Not guilty of anything that might happen to Kogane._

Tragically, before he can say his name, Kogane interrupts the conversation.

“Shiro, I think the weapon is about to -”

With a shriek, the girl stumbles forward when the part-human, part-alien gun blasts a beam of orange light at the ceiling. Captain Shirogane is fast on catching her, gently prying it off her trembling hands and giving it Curtis, without properly looking at him or touching him in the process. Bummer.

“Please, take care of it.”

“I can take care of other things as well,” Curtis purrs, eying the Captain up and down. He sees Kogane going unnaturally pale, with a hand hovering above his belt, where Curtis assumes must be a knife or a gun. _Bring it on._

“Huh?” Captain Shirogane blinks, oblivious to the murderous atmosphere. “No need, just ask Sam to deactivate the malfunctioning weapon.”

“Of course, _sir_ .” Curtis makes sure to put emphasis on sir, because, let’s face it, Captain Shirogane is totally into _that._

“Let’s go, Shiro.” Kogane grumbles. “We can still spend a little time together before we launch.”

“Of course,” he smiles, and, for a dreadful moment, Curtis think they’ll hold hands, but Captain Shirogane settles for putting his Altean, massive, god, that must feel nice - his massive hand on Kogane’s now blessed shoulder as they turn around and start walking away.

Curtis fires the weapon to Kogane’s head with a giggle.

But, of course, the damned thing doesn’t feel like going along with his plan, and the beam of orange light blurts out short-lived, not strong enough to reach Kogane. The noise doesn’t go unnoticed, and both Kogane and Captain Shirogane almost jump out of their skin, simultaneously trying to shelter the other from the danger.

“Put it away now,” Captain Shirogane pants. “It’s an order.”

With many, many situations where Shirogane can also order him around floating in his mind, Curtis nods. They take his movement as a goodbye, and carefully move out of the weapon’s range before turning to go towards the door.

Curtis presses his lips into a thin line. Something else eventually will work.

A gasping noise, much like a strangled cat, reaches his ears, and he notices that the cadet is frozen, looking at him with her mouth open and her eyebrows almost touching the ceiling. She was the one closest to him when he pulled the trigger and perhaps he hadn’t been discreet enough.

“Accidents happen,” his voice is honey. “I wouldn't think much of it.”

The next day, when the cadet is nowhere to be seen when they launch the Altas, no one asks Curtis anything.

 

* * *

  
  
The second time, well, it’s not _straight up_ an attempted murder. It’s more subtle.

 They’re supposed to meet Voltron, but a call from Kogane says they’ll be a little late, they’re being held up by something or someone, it doesn’t matter, they’ll handle it as soon as they can. The Atlas should stay put. The thing is, Kogane doesn’t sound like himself, so much that even Curtis can notice it, and he’s savoring the thought of their Leader being captured and someone else using his voice when Veronica suggests they should alert the Captain.

 “It’s him, I’m sure.” Curtis says. “Everyone sounds a little off sometimes.”

“Off enough to compliment _Lance_?” Veronica snorts. “There’s something wrong.”

“He must be tired, that’s all. We’ll meet with Voltron soon. There’s no need to rush.”

“But, _Citrus_ ,” she spins her chair in his direction, “it’s my brother Keith is praising! For something he’s awful at, no less! Have you _seen_ my brother?”

“It’s Curtis,” says Curtis.

“What? No, it’s Lance.”

“Nevermind. Maybe Kogane has a hidden affection towards your brother or something,” he shrugs, avoiding her eyes. “Something so real, so strong he can’t even realize your brother is bad at something. Wouldn’t it be sweet?”

“My brother is dating the cute Princess,” Veronica shakes her head. “Aaaand, believe it or not, he’s straight.”

“Is he, though?” Curtis wiggles his eyebrows.“They’d make a cute couple. We could call them Klance.”

“Klance? Why not Laith?” A shiver visibly runs through her spine. “For some reason, it sounds less… threatening.”

Before Curtis can answer, Captain Shirogane approaches them with worry twisting all of his handsome features. He’s frowning and fumbling with the buttons of the shirt that Curtis has no idea why he’s wearing, honestly, the man should walk butt naked all the time.

“How are Keith and the Paladins doing?” He peeks at the screen in front of Veronica. “Shouldn't we meet them already?”

“They’re fine.”

“Captain, I think there’s something wrong with them.” Veronica twists a lock of hair in her hands. “Keith just said something nice about Lance for no reason. And it wasn’t sarcastic.”

Captain Shirogane blinks. “That doesn’t sound like Keith.”

“Do you think this might be a sign?” She wonders. “Maybe he’s trying to tell us they’ve been captured and someone is forcing them to say they’re okay.”

“Or maybe,” Curtis makes a wide gesture with his hands, “the Leader of Voltron has a secret crush on the Blue Paladin.”

“Citrus, I don’t… think… that’s it.”

“Curtis.”

“Who?”

“Focus.” Captain Shirogane’s sharp tone makes them both sit straighter on their chairs. “Veronica, call Voltron again. If it’s not Keith, I’ll know.”

And he’s right, it’s not, and there’s a whole Kogane-almost-gets-choked-to-death-by-an-alien-who-was-dumped-by-her-alien-girlfriend that leaves Curtis almost vibrating at the edge of his seat. Part of him is cheering, hoping the alien finishes his dirty job for him, and another part is upset because, honestly, he deserves to get rid of his competition, doesn’t he?

Kogane is fine at the end of the day, but, if he has anything to say about it, it won’t last long.

 

* * *

 

 

The third time is almost caught on camera.

He’s there, minding his own business in one of the Atlas’ common rooms, just as any other normal, good person would be doing as nothing life-threatening is happening to the ship or its crew. Sure, he’s indulging himself with fantasies of Kogane choking on poisonous gas but, still. He’s chilling. Sort of.

Curtis happens to have Kogane’s paladin helmet, but, then again, he has all of their helmets, so nothing suspicious so far. He asked the Voltron team to handle them to him, so he could go to Commander Holt and ask him if he could study them a little bit to see if there was a way to build a similar equipment - smaller, lighter this time, not connected to the rest of the suit, so a a situation like the one in the planet with the volcano wouldn’t happen again.

They thought it was brilliant, of course, _how nice of you, Cutris!_ One day someone will learn his name, and they it’ll be over for all of them. Except for Captain Shirogane, who someday will call Curtis all sorts of cute pet names in front of all the Atlas’ crew, in bed, in front of Kogane’s grave.

He looks at the helmet, the one with red streaks, and wonders how bad exactly he can sabotage it without anyone noticing, when a body comes crashing into the table he’s using, knocking all of the helmets out of it, straight to the ground. Kogane’s one is still within his grasp, but his victory is short-lived as a white dog appears out of nowhere and bumps into his leg so hard he lets go of it to get a look at the puppy-assaulted spot.

“Rizavi, look where you’re going with this thing!” Says one of the MFE pilots, tall, broad shoulders, perfect skin and a permanent look on his face that makes Curtis think of an old comic book character called Batman.

Another pilot, a girl with a wide expression, just laughs as she stumbles away from the table. “Sorry, sorry!”

She then points the camera she’s holding directly at Curtis face, and he gulps, hoping the helmets on the floor aren’t visible.

“Hey, you!” She grins. “Maybe you have something exciting to tell us!”

“Not really.”

“Awhn, come on, dude! It’s for posterity!”

“Don’t talk to him this way, Rizavi.” The man hisses to her. “He’s above us on ranking.”

“We’re off duty, aren’t we?” She pouts.

“I’m as boring as a guy can possibly be,” Curtis promises.

“I believe it. Eh, seems the camera is out of battery, anyway.” Rizavi shrugs, already looking for fresh trouble to get in, the man right after her.

Curtis sighs, waiting long enough so he can’t see any of them anymore, and reaches for the helmets.

“Oh! Man, hey!” A loud voice startles him.

The Yellow Paladin - Hunk, he remembers - is approaching him with a large smile and an ever larger plate of… something.

“You’re the one who offered to take our helmets to Pidge’s dad!” He makes a gesture to clasp Curtis’ shoulder, but seems to remember he’s holding precious food. “I can’t thank you enough!”

“No problem.” He smiles. “I was just going to Commander Holt…”

“Oh, no, no need. I’ll take them myself!” He winks. “Just have a delicious bite of my new cookie, would you?”

Curtis’ left eye twitches. One, two, three times. “I’d rather d - I’m not hungry, thank you.”

“There’s no such thing as ‘not hungry’ when it comes to good food.” Hunk looks almost offended. “Please, be my guest.”

He’s then left with an _entire_ plate with weird-looking cookies and no helmet at all as Hunk shoves the food in his hands and gathers all of them, singing a happy melody.

“Believe me, it’s so much better than the green booger-like goo we used to eat all the time!”

Curtis sniffs it. “Green-”

“See ya, Curdis!”

Close enough.

* * *

 

The fourth time, he’s glad the giant dog couldn’t track the poison back to him.

It wasn’t hard to make friends with Hunk and ask him sweetly to be at assistance on the special dinner he was making to the Paladins. Hunk stared down at him with a suddenly too-sharp gaze that didn’t fit him well and asked him if he was ready to truly, truly learn ‘the art of cooking yummy food to bring peace to the universe’. It was an important task and, according to Hunk, he’d succeed to tell the legend to his grandchildren or burn his entire body at the stove trying.

So Curtis asked just to arrange the table and Hunk pretended he wasn’t crying when he agreed.

It was a good thing that he had some extra poison staffed in his room. No need to ask why, that’s just the Curtis Way.

“I’ll be right back!” Hunk does a mock salute to him. “I need to grab something. Please, don’t take your eyes out of my lasagna! Protect it with your life!”

“I’ll serve it, okay?” He asks, already looking for some forks.

“You’re so efficient, Clodis!” Hunk wipes away a single tear. “A true hero. Shiro is lucky to have you working for him.”

“Well, I hope I can only get _closer and closer_ to our beloved Captain.” Curtis is touching the hot pan with his bare hands, but Hunk doesn’t seem to notice. “So, so close.”

“Yeah, man, sure thing!” He grins. “When he finally gets together with Keith, you can help with the wedding preparations! Shiro would be forever thankful!”

It takes everything Curtis has not to poison Hunk’s plate as well.

In the end, or so he heard, when they’re eating, just before Kogane can take a bite and start to spasm so much he can’t breathe, that giant dog  _teleports_ to the table, sniffing madly and knocking his food to the ground with furious barks. The Green Paladin runs tests on the remains of Kogane’s smashed lasagna and finds the poison. They all freak out, especially Shiro and the purple mom, and ask Hunk if anyone other than him had access to the food.

Curtis gets away with it because no one can find a Clodis in the ship.

 

* * *

 

 

Curtis can’t remember well the fifth time, because his head collides a little too hard with the piano.

 

* * *

 

He surprises even himself when he gives up.

It’s not a moment for him to see. The Paladins and the mustache guy are all together, in a hug that a tangled mess of limbs and tears. The Atlas’ crew and the MFE pilots are trying to give them some privacy, but it’s hard not to look when they’re all sobbing, no exception. It makes him sick to his stomach to see Captain Shirogane crying, even if his sobs are silent ones and his face is hidden - in Kogane’s bad hair, no less.

Curtis doesn’t need to ask them what happened. All the other pilots are talking about it. The Princess tried to sacrifice herself, getting as far as saying her goodbyes to her friends and boyfriend, but the Lions had stepped in last minute to sacrifice _themselves_ instead.

Now, there’s a Voltron-shaped nebula somewhere in the Universe. Curtis feels… tired, but relieved, somehow.

At some point, Captain Shirogane’s head lifts up, and, just like that, in front of everyone, he takes Kogane’s lips into a trembling kiss, bodies still wrapped in their family’s arms. Curtis doesn’t know if it’s their first kiss, but the all-consuming look burning in Kogane’s irises tells him it’s not going to be their last, no matter what anyone thinks or tries to do.

He calls his friend with the drugs with hallucinogenic effects and dismisses him first thing in the morning. And, a few years later, when Kogane and Admiral Shirogane are marrying, he stumbles into a nice, charming alien named Slav that works with them, but he has never met before, and just, just maybe, he won’t have to murder anyone for this one.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me! --> https://twitter.com/ametista_bruta
> 
> SLAV X CURTIS IS THE MOST VALID SHIP 
> 
> So I was on Twitter and we were joking around with a yandere!Curtis concept fic that I took too seriously. It's not actually yandere, because apparently, I can't write it, but, oh well. Life be like that sometimes. At the beginning, I was going to make it intentional that Curtis LETS EARTH GET INVADED BY ALIENS SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ADAM ANYMORE, but it wasn't working. 
> 
> Of course, I needed to give it a quick fix to season 8 as well, so it goes a separate way from that awful canon. Allura is alive and well. She's going to have a big ass family with Lance and no one can tell me otherwise. Sheith is also unharmed. 
> 
> Was it too salty? My bad. I'm still upset. But this fic did make me laugh and I hope it helps you as well!! English is NOT my first language, so, if there are any mistakes, please tell me.
> 
> I still kind of want to do a SERIOUS fix-it fic for the last season. We'll see. Maybe time travel will be involved. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this mess! If you celebrate it, Merry Christmas!


End file.
